How To Deal With “All Those” Judgmental People at Church

Imagine for a minute you’re sitting in sacrament meeting and a 12 year old boy decides it would be fun to play angry birds on an iPad with the volume all the way up?

What do you do? Is it alright to say something to the boy? Is it alright to say something to the parents? Should you complain to the bishop? Should you just be glad the boy is there and thereby let him do as he pleases? If you’re irritated at the scenario…does that mean that you are being “judgmental” and “self-righteous”? Should we just mind our own business even though it is directly impacting and negatively effecting others?

Regardless of how you answered those questions, we all must come to grips with the fact that there are judgmental people at church. Really…there are going to be judgmental people anywhere you go. There is no church or organization on the earth that is free from judgmental people. But the real question is how are we supposed to deal with “all those” judgmental people at church.

self righteous people at church

Do we get offended and never come back? Do we live out our days holding secret grudges? Do we get even with them by calling them judgmental and self-righteous?

It seems to me that the most common insult hurled between church members is that of calling one another “judgmental” and “self-righteous”. Most of the time this accusation is coming from a member of the church that is upset or offended by a comment, or “a look”, or an insinuation performed by another member.

Calling someone judgmental or self righteous is an interesting phenomenon to me. It feels like it’s the most distinguished insult that a respectable church member can render another church member without sounding like a complete jerk. It’s like the grownup’s equivalent to the children’s classic comeback: “I know you…are but what am I”.

It’s the insult that can always be turned right back in your face. You may hear someone say something that sounds self-righteous and you call them on it. But then one day when you least expect it, don't judge mesomeone labels you as self-righteous and you’re bewildered at the accusation.

But isn’t it actually “judgmental” to call another person “judgmental”? Are you not judging the other persons judgment based on your own opinions and perceptions?

Does the act itself of labeling someone “self-righteous” intrinsically brand you as “self-righteous” as well? Doesn’t self-righteous mean that you believe “self” is “right” or that your way of thinking or acting is better than the other person?

I heard an example of a real life situation that happened among church members. A few people sat down to watch a PG-13 movie (because all PG-13 movies are acceptable right? No.)

As the movie began, it quickly got into some things that were definitely not suitable for thirteen year olds or thirty year olds. A few of the people decided to get up and leave. They kindly made an excuse so as to not offend the host…but eventually word got back to the host that those people had left because they weren’t comfortable with the content of the movie.

So what did the host do? Well…no less than call those that left the movie “self-righteous” and “judgmental”.

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What if that was your son or daughter that was brave enough to “up and leave” from that movie? You’d probably call them “noble” for it. But the host of the movie would maintain that they were self-righteous and judgmental! “They think they’re better than me” he’d say!

So in reality, calling someone judgmental is a matter of perspective. It’s an empty accusation. If someone has made your behavior look bad…then your initial reaction is to deflect and defend.

Just because those members were’t comfortable with that movie…it doesn’t make them any more “self-righteous” than the host when he decides it’s ok to watch the movie in his home and then defend his position.

One of the things people noticed about Joseph Smith was that when others found fault with him whether it be directly or indirectly…instead of confrontation, and placing all of the blame on them… he’d say: “Look deeper, Brother, and see if maybe there is a kernel of truth in what they are saying.” He took the good from others and applied it. He took the bad and discarded it.

Instead of a knee-jerk rash response, we can look to see if there is anything that is being said that we might be able to improve upon. Are we not all judgmental and self-righteous in our own ways? Everyone thinks their own way of doing things is right.

Smart people don’t “react” to things they disagree with. They internalize what was written or said and then analyze whether or not any of it applies to them. They seek to exploit their own weaknesses in order to improve them and are grateful for any insight into the flaws that they might need to fix.

The Savior says “Judge not” but that is only the beginning of the lesson that He is trying to teach. …”For with what judgment ye judge…ye shall be judged” He continues. (Matt 7:1-3) Then in another place the Savior said “Judge not according to appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24)

By reading all of the passages that refer to judging…it’s clear to me that I am supposed to make judgments in this life…but I should strive to make those judgments as righteous as they can be. In John 7:24, the Greek word for “righteous” means among other things… to be “equitable”. God want’s us to be fair with others and not judge others any harsher than we ourselves would like to be judged.

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But is it judgmental or self-righteous to give correction or make suggestions to other people generally or individually? I tell you with all my heart…that if I did not have people to give me correction and suggestions and even rebukings throughout my life…I have no idea where I’d be. I could have asked those that corrected me…”who do you think you are” or “why don’t you just have charity toward me and not judge me”. I’ve had bishops, and mission presidents, and mission companions, and employees, and friends, and random individuals call me out in my weakness. Where would I be without them? I’ve needed them! Even though in the moment I was hurt and offended and possibly even angry…I needed them to help me consider things that I might have been oblivious to.

Hey! My wife judges me every time my behavior negatively impacts another person! I don’t always use my brain…and she calls me on it. Maybe I wasn’t speaking nice about something or someone…and she calls me on it. She’s not trying to coercively change me, but giving subtle suggestions on things I might not be able to see. I get defensive and can’t believe what she’s saying sometimes. Then I sit there and think about it and realize that most of the time she’s right. Then I change. Then I become a better man. Should I tell her to stop judging me? No. In many cases…I’m actually asking her to judge me…so that I can improve.

Aren’t we all here to help each other?

Where would I be without Alma chapter 5 in my life? If you haven’t read it…then read it!

“But Alma…who are you to judge us and give advice? Why are you being so self-righteous? Weren’t you a bad dude back in the day? Remember that time you…”

Laman and Lemuel thought Nephi was self-righteous. The people of Ammonihah thought Alma and Amulek were too judgmental. “Who are you to tell me what to do”, they’d say. “Who are you to give advice?”

So if you find yourself annoyed by someone that you think is judgmental and self righteous, you can do a few things. First you can laugh. I find myself laughing internally at people all the time. People are funny…and I’m sure I have my fair share of people laughing at me internally. Second, you can contemplate why someone is saying what they’re saying and try to strip any kind of good out of the message and apply it to yourself.

It’s time to stop using labels such as “judgmental” and “self-righteous” as an excuse for our own complacency. If something is true…then embrace it and change. If something is false…then laugh it away!

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10 thoughts on “How To Deal With “All Those” Judgmental People at Church

  1. Todd Lemmon

    Thank you for your always timely, thought provoking, and inspired posts. This one helped me recognize that I have many “kernals” I need to work on. I also realize that my wife is and has been right more often than not. This is a fantastic article for every member of the church to read and internalize.

  2. dave

    I am so sick of hearing we shouldn’t ever get offended. Generally, people are offended because people are actually rude. I think it is ridiculous to dismiss feelings and rude people need to own their mistakes. Obviously, we need to eventually forgive and heal, but it is okay to feel offended.

    • Jeff

      Offense is a choice not an emotion and that choice more often than not harms the chooser more than the person you are choosing to be offended by.

    • June Newbery

      Yes, it’s a good idea to acknowledge that Mormons are just ordinary people with and extraordinary belief that someday we will be perfect. Most of us have a much longer way to go than we imagine. We are a “million miles” from our destination and it does no Earthly good to pretend that we don’t make mistakes quite often. We get offended, we get angry; it’s our nature. The Bible says, “Be angry but do not sin,” meaning we do get angry. Pretending that I will never get angry again because I am a Mormon is dishonest and a waste of time. Thinking, caring, sensitive people can get their feelings hurt. Only uncaring, insensitive people never “feel” anything. As far as rowdy children are concerned, I prefer my noisy Chapel on Sunday and would hate it if it was quiet and pristine. The life of the Church is in the hands of those noisy children. God bless ’em and their struggling parents.

    • Jlucy

      I agree! I’ve been saying this for a while. We need to be sensitive to others and realize that those hurt feelings are real! Instead we chastise those who have been offended. Now, really, if someone didn’t mean to offend that’s one thing but most of the time, it really is someone being unkind. I’ve been that person who was labeled “the offended one” and it was just as hurtful as the situation that had hurt me in the first place. I had a hard time overcoming what happened where if those around me had shown love it wouldn’t have been so hard.

  3. Ephraim

    It is true that “judgmental” and “self-righteous” are words used as a knee jerk reaction. For me, the distinction is in a couple examples. Someone says; “That’s offensive to my spirit”. I say; “That’s self-righteous”. Why? Because we are our spirit and it’s like you referring to yourself in the third person. The speaker is putting on a show to give the appearance of being above someone else in righteousness. The only exception to this would be if the person always, regardless of how casual the discussion might be, referred to themselves as their spirit. How do you know what is always said? You don’t; but, it is still a valid judgment.

    As far as judgment goes, we are all judgmental, and we had better not change. Life is judgment after judgment. It is absolutely necessary to judge at all times, both actions and motives. You may not know a person’s heart, but if a person follows you into your apartment building and offers to give you a hand with your groceries, not judging that person’s motives may cost you your life, or something worse. It’s not judgment that is wrong in the sense that most people think. It is a judgment that is coupled with condemnation, or what we call unrighteous judgment, that is wrong.

    So you don’t have to condemn the person who offers to help, for you to be safe; just refuse and be aware. Also, you don’t have to condemn the person who is self righteous; just acknowledge the lack of validity behind their point, or criticism and move on.

    As far as being worried about people leaving the church: if they don’t like judgmental, and self righteous people, then I guess it doesn’t make any difference if they leave or not. If they are only there because they are accepted by, and accept the people around them, then it makes no difference whether they are there or not because, it is not their faith that matters, only their social connections.

  4. Roxanne Meek

    Certain things you just can’t laugh off. I have always been so good at not saying anything, but I have seen enough judgement and not enough love! Christ loved those who were left out. He sought out the lonely, the afflicted, the ones that nobody helped because of some situation or another they didn’t understand. It would just be nice if everybody suspended some of their judgements and actually tried to understand what was going on and tried to help in some way. Is this twelve year old a new member or an investigator? Is there a family situation or crisis or crises going on? Does the child have a mental disability? Go up to the child and just talk to them after service about how they are and find out something about them. Maybe they were just trying to cope with circumstances that they just don’t know what to do about. Maybe they are being bullied and thinking of committing suicide. People just don’t think what their judgements do to others. Maybe their judgements and lack of caring is what caused the person to stop going to church.

  5. Kylee

    I LOVE your article! We’re all too quick to judge and take offense – it’s so true! Obviously none of us are perfect, but the way I’m able to ignore things that others might see as offensive is to remind myself that the only person whose “judgment” really matters is Heavenly Father. Ultimately, His judgment of us when we return to Him is the only judgment that we should care about, but helping each other along the way by pointing out weaknesses should not cause us to jump on the offensive. We’re all brothers and sisters, and we’re supposed to be helping one another be the best we can be. It brings me back to that childhood saying; “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” If you don’t take the potentially rude/unkind things others say so seriously, it’s hard to get offended, but you should still listen, because there may just be a nugget of wisdom in what they’re saying.

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