About a month or so ago, my son and I went out for a boy’s night out date to BJ’s Pizza. For some reason, our kids think it’s cool to go out with one parent, individually. They both begged us to go to the same place. So there we went… driving separate cars to the exact same place for dinner. Pretty lame to drive two cars and waste gas if you ask me. but that’s what they wanted to do. Then we were supposed to ignore ‘Mom and sister’ if we saw them in the restaurant. It was kind of a crack up. So my son and I went outside and got a table and watched a baseball game while we waited for our food.
My son is oblivious to most things–of course he is, he’s only 6. I, on the other hand, had the good fortune of my chair being backed up against some guy that was on a date with a girl. Since my son wasn’t talking to me much — he was coloring the
menu — I was forced to tune into the conversation that was going on right behind me. It might have been the most interesting conversation I’ve ever heard… I’ll tell you about it later.
I believe that there are three types of people that almost everyone hates to be around, and for these reasons, these type of people seldom find success in their life. The people that fall into one or all of these categories spend a lifetime trying to figure out why nobody likes them. They demand that someone love them, pay attention to them, acknowledge them, or respect them. Then, when they come up empty handed, they are full of reasons why it is everyone else’s fault. Figuring out how to not fall into one or more of these categories is what I consider to be one of the largest predictors of success in this life. Here are those types of people with some tips on how to avoid becoming them:
1. People That Constantly Talk About Themselves
We’ve all experienced this before. You have a meeting with someone and you end up sitting there the whole time listening to the other person’s life story and to all of the reasons why this person is so awesome. Then they move on to their kids, and their grand kids, and the great grand kids they are yet to have. If you’re really lucky, you’ll even get to hear about how much money they make, their leadership callings, and about their recently fabricated golf score! When you get to the end of the meeting, your friend thinks the meeting went great and that you’re on your way to the bathroom to check if your ears are bleeding.
Most of us have probably been guilty of this a time or two, whether we’d like to admit it or not. It’s human nature for us to desire the honor and respect of others; and sometimes we see no other way to get that honor and respect but by forcing it into other people. We figure that no one will ever know how cool we are unless we tell them. You’d assume the people doing this most often are confident and even possibly conceded but, in reality, they are probably really insecure. In fact, the most insecure people are the ones that are the most guilty of this disgusting attribute.
Here is the truth: when you tell people how great you are, those people are listening to you and you may think they are interested, but internally they are begging for the torture to stop. It doesn’t do anything to improve their view of you. In fact, it might have the opposite effect. A long time ago someone asked Joseph Smith if the principle of self-aggrandizement is wrong and should we try to make ourselves look good to others. Listen to his answer: “It is a correct principle and may be indulged upon only one rule or plan… and that is to elevate, benefit, and bless others first. If you will elevate others, the very work itself will exalt you. Upon no other plan can a person justly and permanently aggrandize himself.”
Get interested in others and forget yourself, and you won’t need to tell people how cool you are. They’ll find out on their own…
[Tweet “If you will elevate others, the very work itself will exalt you”]2. People That Constantly Complain About Their Circumstances
These people always have something wrong with them. It’s their back or their leg or their feelings or anything really. It will be something new every time you see them. There is no end to their excuses and they are sure to tell you every single one of them on any and every given day you come in contact with them. David Swartz, author of “The Magic of Thinking Big” summed it up this way. “Go deep into your study of people, and you’ll discover unsuccessful people suffer from a mind deadening thought disease. We call this disease excusitis.” Complaining about a thing never made that thing better. The time that people take complaining could actually be used toward adding value to someone or something and thereby improving their own situation.
[adinserter block=1]I’m not suggesting we discredit people’s physical, mental, and emotional maladies. Rather, we should help them understand that each of us suffer from one issue or another. It’s our perspective on life that dictates whether we are happy or miserable. We can derive happiness from no other source but from within. “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.” (Milton) Napoleon Bonaparte had everything that worldly men would naturally crave. It was nothing to him. “I have known six happy days in my life” said Napoleon at Saint Helena. But then consider Helen Keller who was blind deaf and dumb. She went around saying, “I have found life so beautiful”. I have seen people in circumstances that would make even the strongest person shrink from fear… and yet those people are happier than they that seem trouble-free and taken care of.
If you know someone that complains about everything, you can remind them that it’s always better to “go and do instead of sit and stew.”
[Tweet “It’s always better to “go and do instead of sit and stew.””]
3. People That Constantly Bad-Mouth Others
If you’re hanging out with someone that is bad-mouthing others behind their backs, you can bet that they are bad-mouthing you behind your back. Don’t be naive enough to think you’re the exception; and make sure that you do not get sucked into their trap. Remember that misery loves company and people that constantly bad-mouth others are always on the hunt for someone they can “bounce their ideas off of.” Maybe next time you hear someone doing this, or know of someone who has this weakness, you could remind them that “the devil flatters us that we are very righteous while we are feeding on the faults of others.”
[Tweet “The devil flatters us that we are very righteous while we are feeding on the faults of others”]Most people love to dwell on others weaknesses in order to try and make themselves look better, smarter, prettier, or richer than the person they are talking about. They do this out of covetousness or envy or because they are just downright mean. It does nothing and helps no one. It destroys and defames. It’s almost as these types of people are just sitting around waiting for people around them to fail so that they can pounce on them. Even if the person doesn’t fail, they will still find something bad to say about the person. And yet, who is the real loser when it is all said and done? I once heard that “the only disability in life is a bad attitude” and I’m starting to honestly believe that its true.
[Tweet “The only disability in life is a bad attitude…”]I told you that I’d finish my story about the guy that was sitting behind me and my son at BJ’s, so here it is… My son is busy eating his spaghetti and I am almost dying of laughter as I was able to hear almost every thing this guy was saying behind me. He perfectly embodied each of the three characteristics I listed above. The woman he was with just sat there silent as he went off for almost 30 minutes straight about how dumb his co-workers were and how smart he was and how under-valued he was at his job and how valuable he really is. And interwoven throughout all of his arguments was the fact that he was superior to almost anyone he came in contact with in business and in life. I almost wanted to turn around and get his autograph, but I restrained myself.
[adinserter block=2]I can’t explain to my son right now what all of this means and why it was so funny for me to hear, but maybe he’ll read this at a later age and become the exact opposite of the guy at BJ’s that night. I have a sneaky feeling, based on what I was hearing him say, that success has always escaped him… and I have to wonder if he’ll ever figure it out.
The sad thing is this. Even if he read this article, he’ll probably not think that any of what was written here applies to him and he’ll go away doing the same thing over and over again, expecting people to love him, respect him, and give him that promotion at work. It just doesn’t work that way in life and you can see it time and time again. Forget yourself, never complain, and speak good of others and you’ll see a miracle take place in your life.
I always wondered why I had no friends, and I’ve always felt unloved. So I guess this article is the mirror where I can see myself pretty clearly.
Yep, that’s me. Now, I feel like that which is described in Alma 12:14 – “and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence.”
Maybe your next article can be on how we can notice/recognize when we are doing those three things, and stop it before it happens.
I don’t see when I’m being arrogant, or am gossiping, or complain. I feel like I’m reaching out for help when I do any of these three acts. I just want to know where I stand in life.
Yes, my friend once, unexpectedly, told me while we were talking, that it’s because I judge people a lot that people don’t like me.
You kind of create a being that is almost completely unlikable by people other than, of course, your immediate family. The reaction you get from people should in process teach you that if you should or shouldn’t be doing that action, I think. But I DON’T KNOW, people hate me for my looks too. I’m very INSECURE sometimes.
Well I’m the same as you, I invest a lot of time just to know where I stand in life as a person. If someone could help, please, who has been in this situation, if there is a way out of it, or if we just are this way, or ….?
I guess time heals all.
Hmm, I didn’t get that feeling at all. And I also feel that you don’t have to be perfect in any given subject in order to give your opinion on it, otherwise most of us wouldn’t be able to give our opinions very often.
Exactly!
so would not it be smarter to keep our noise for ourself?
I don’t think so. One way to learn is by making mistakes, so if I say something that happens to be untrue/incomplete, I want somebody to tell me so I don’t make the same mistake again.
Uh, CoraJudd, maybe, just maybe you might ask yourself, “What can I learn from this article?”
Cora, I humbly agree with Greg 100%, and am showing you grace by responding that many people fail in life because no one has been there for them to tell them these truths….. That bad behavior DOES lead to failure, and a sucker and an unearned trophy won’t fix them.
Great advice Jeff!
Loved the article! Bravo…
Thanks a lot Mark! Great job on Sunday by the way! It is dang hard to teach in that cultural hall!
Great article. Thanks Greg!
Thanks Brian!
Thank you soooo much for the encouragement!
CoraJudd, after reading your comment I went back to head this article again. I think you most remind me of #3.
Great article, thanks Greg.
I have to disagree with the premise of your piece.You assert that no one who exhibits these attributes is successful. I give you exhibit A for the other side: President Barack Hussein Obama. If he’s not talking about himself,he’s complaining about congress, or blaming the courts, or waiting for his turn to tee off. And the worst part is, he became president BECAUSE of the very attributes you’ve described. Now, you could argue that yes, Mr. Obama is the president, but that doesn’t make him successful. But he did succeed in becoming the president by talking about himself and badmouthing others, and he succeeded in being re-elected by badmouthing others and complaining about his circumstances. So there you go.
Great article Greg, thank you!
This reminds me of a devotional where the phrase “salt of the Earth” was discussed. Salt can be considered bland by some in contrast to other spices, but it the most commonly used seasoning. The same can be said of those of us on the Earth – there are a small number of “exceptional” people on the Earth having achieved great accomplishments, but the far majority would be considered “normal”. It is these that have experienced failure and in turn are genuinely interested in others by not being blinded by their own (perceived) “exceptional-ism”. I think this is why the Savior perfectly describes these great people as the salt of the Earth adding flavor and savor to life, and why this article has a profound meaning behind it.
Awesome Jon. I’m gonna check that out!
I really loved this article and found traces of my own faults which I now intend to put right. Thank you for your candor and honesty.
I agree with this article
good understanding friend! well said. but since we don’t know/understand others afflictions, we should not talk bad about others. I’m not condemning no one!
I totally agree with the 3 points discussed- An excellent piece of article!
we are not all perfect sometimes we have this attitude. being successful i think is to learn for failures, mistakes and reach the goal love urself and others and most of all be happy
Good job Greg, this article to me is like a normal spice, to some the aroma is irritating, to others it just cool, to others too, its just the latest and none else and that’s life as it has always been, even in doing the right thing you will always see people that will be like, “GREAT JOB BUDDY, KEEP IT UP” while others will end up mocking you same is applied when you do the reverse but I think I love this article and would ask for more if I can get it.
True that! I’ve always called this the “Reverse-Midas Touch” effect where everything a person touches turns to mud instead of gold. During my lifetime I’ve come to know for a fact that people are blessed or cursed with certain gifts/curses at certain points in their life or during the entire span of their life. The Prophet Joseph Smith for example was told point blank by God several times that he was not blessed in the area of finances. Joseph Smith didn’t listen and established a bank and was soon chased out of Ohio! Eventually he realized what God was trying to say and he gave up trying to make money. Next thing you know he has a mansion, a barn, horses, is the Mayor of a town, the Lieutenant Colonel of a very famous military Legion (performed largest march in U.S. Military history and struck terror in the hearts of the entire Midwest during 1844 and successfully opposed the entire U.S. Military during the “Utah War”), and U.S. Presidential candidate of 1844 and by most expert accounts very likely to win. And so we must ask ourselves what changed in the Prophet’s life that suddenly made him rich? He surrounded himself with the people who God chose and they gave him everything he needed and more. They even begged him not to go to Carthage jail to stand trial for frivolous charges. Some had sat in on and witnessed meetings attended by important persons from Wall Street and NY, even Washington D.C., and the local governments of Missouri and Illinois, and the big city of Chicago who were quoted as saying such things as “shoot him until dead” and so on. Ultimately he gave into the pleadings by those of his city who doubted, who feared, who had no faith, and who didn’t stand by him. They begged him to pacify the mobs of Illinois by going and meeting with the governor. Joseph Smith said he knew he was going to die if he went to Carthage. But being overwhelmed in his heart, mostly sorrow, by the desires of many of the people, he exclaimed, “if my life means nothing to my friends then it means nothing to me” and he went. And was surrounded by the militia of Illinois and Missouri and gunned down while sitting in jail along with his older brother; the others with him merely wounded, John Taylor quite nearly mortally wounded also. Joseph Smith had no choice who to surround himself with because He was a servant who had to do what His master told him. We have the freedom to choose who we surround ourselves with. Which should give us greater appreciation for the sacrifices of men like Joseph Smith and Gods like Jesus Christ who were forced to choose Judas out of commandment. When Jesus Christ asked His Father if there was another way… He none-the-less obeyed and was betrayed by Judas and severely tortured and hung on a cross. Joseph Smith had not just one Judas but several: Sidney Rigdon, Martin Harris, and others. Some later repented and returned to the flock. However the saddest event was probably what Joseph Smith himself prophesied many years earlier was the fact that his very own son, Joseph Smith III, would be his greatest sorrow (this coming from a man who had already buried more than 5 of his own children some of whom died as a result of persecutions by mobs; and so clearly he wasn’t meaning that Joseph III would die)… soon Joseph Smith III would prevent the world from having one of the books that Joseph Smith spent the larger portion of his life writing (over 500 pages of manuscript) which work Joseph Smith said was “a branch of his calling” as a prophet. (The Joseph Smith Translation of the Bible would only be released more than a decade after Smith’s death, however the published version was regarded with skepticism by Joseph Smith’s church because it was now in the hands of his son who had created an offshoot religion and it wasn’t until nearly 50 years later that it was finally deemed as being all but 100% unaltered yet still unaccepted as Divinely authorized primarily because Joseph Smith was killed before he could finish it; Joseph Smith III was head of a church that fought Joseph Smith’s church for 55 years until his own death and that continues on still to this day tragically). We are so lucky that we have the luxury of choosing our own friends. And so why wouldn’t we take advantage of that freedom? Furthermore some people choose “Toxic” relationships. There’s a plethora of books on that subject. Furthermore, to pick a good friend, or a good leader, often requires that we ourselves are a good friend, or a good leader, because otherwise how would we recognize that they’re good? It takes one to know one, right? Which is why I recommend your other article about “What Every Missionary Should Learn About Leadership”, because truly the best kind of friend is a good leader: https://www.gregtrimble.com/every-mormon-missionary-learn-true-leadership